My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister's bureau and
lifted out a tissue-wrapped package. "This," he said, "is not a slip.
This is lingerie." He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip. It
was exquisite; silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace. The
price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still attached. "Jan
bought this the first time we went to New York, at least 8 or 9 years
ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special occasion. Well,
I guess this is the occasion." He took the slip from me and put it on
the bed with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician. His
hands lingered on the soft material for a moment, then he slammed the
drawer shut and turned to me. "Don't ever save anything for a special
occasion. Every day you're alive is a special occasion."

I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that
followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores
that follow an unexpected death. I thought about them on the plane
returning to California from the Midwestern town where my sister's
family lives. I thought about all the things that she hadn't seen or
heard or done. I thought about the things that she had done without
realizing that they were special. I'm still thinking about his words,
and they've changed my life.

I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting on the deck and admiring
the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden.

I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time in
committee meetings. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of
experience to savor, not endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments
now and cherish them.

I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every
special event-such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, the
first camellia blossom.

I wear my good blazer to the market if I feel like it. My theory is if
I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of
groceries without wincing.

I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties; clerks in hardware
stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as well as my
party-going friends'.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my
vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and
hear and do it now. I'm not sure what my sister would have done had
she known that she wouldn't be here for the tomorrow we all take for
granted.

It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew
that my hours were limited. Angry because I put off seeing good friends
whom I was going to get in touch with-someday. Angry because I hadn't
written certain letters that I intended to write-one of these days.
Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and daughter often enough
how much I truly love them.

I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that
would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I
open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every
minute, every breath truly is...a gift from God.
____________________________________________

something about this really made me realize. dont wait another day.

you know, you think you know someone & then, like all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere, you realize you didn`t have a clue. you start to wonder how you ever called this person your friend & what the hell you were thinking.

another day gone by & still no reason why you said goodbye..but then you cry, a million miles apart we lie, I opened every door to you, i put all my trust in you, you took advantage of it, why? was every word you said a lie? it`s just another day that didn`t go my way, it`s just another day..the times change & minds rearrange..you walked away cause you started feelin strange. you knew from the start that this wasn`t for you but your feelings can`t control the things that you do..sittin here with all this I fear, empty thoughts & a blank stare, trying to find a reason why the ones you trust are the ones that lie. & was I wrong for trusting you?
[ Mest ]

take nothing but photographs
leave nothing but footprints
and kill nothing but time

I believe that we are who we choose to be. Nobody`s going to come & save you, you`ve got to save yourself. Nobody`s going to give you anything. You`ve got to go out & fight for it. Nobody knows what you want except for you. & nobody will be as sorry as you if you don`t get it. So don`t give up on your dreams.

but I know I`ve got to live my life & roll around on the ground & feel the strife & realize along the way that I`m nothing more than a grain of salt in the salt of the earth & everything`s grace, so come on with the darkness, come on with the fear, cause I`ve got to start somewhere & it might as well be here..& when I`m finally naked & standing in the sunlight I`ll look back at all this selfishness & foolish pride & laugh at myself.

yeah. just in that kind of mood.

im so fucking sick of everything and everyone.

theres only a few people i can even stand to be around anymore.

heather-your in chicago,so far from me, but so near at heart. your there through thick and thin. i totally love you.

kenny and sara-you guys are def my bests. us three are always together and its always funnnnn. gettin drunk or jhust sitting around eatin shrimp playin trivia. ha love you boht verrryyyy much,

jody shmodie-we are amazing. making pretzels or meeting boys in puerto rico. weve beeen through it all. love you.

for the rest of my "friends" out there. lately, you all havent been friends. more like drinking buddys. but youll have that in life. some people are backstabbrs. and some just shit talkers. but i nkwo whose real now.

since last time i wrote:

-new boys. gaijin loves.

-new friends. love my [CA$H]girls.

-new house. mine burned down.

-new school. the crossing.

everything is changing, people coming in and out of my life, some staying for awhile, but still leaving. seems the only thing i can count on anymore is CHANGE.

i have an AMAZING boy right in front of me, and everyone is asking whats wrong, why i dont take this perfect opportunity. im not ready. he is so amazing, almost too amazing. all i can think about though is KOLTON. somehting  in me still hopes that one day ill wake up and have a missed call from him and voicemail saying he wants to talk. i fucked you over twice, and you wont give me a third chance. i dont blame you. i have tried so many guys since you, never been the same. your number is still in my head. your so happy wiht that girl, you probably never think about me. your love life is flawless, mine has more flaws then imaginable. im 17. thats it. 17. maybe you were my first real heart break. i cant let go. we talked on the phone two weeks ago for almost an hour. that was the first real talk since last summer. i miss that. i need to move on. you didnt have a problem doing it when i hurt you twice, but you truely mean something to me. i need you in my life.

amazing songs:

-your call----secondhand serenade

-pretty girl----sugarcult

amazing quotes:

she looks outside her window while she's
losing track of time..trying to find the reason
not to cry tonight .

I LOVE SUMMER.

I LOVE MY WHITE STRIPES. ((bFf))

I LOVE BEING HAPPY.

I HATE BOYS.

AND IM DONE CARING. :)

tonight i realized somtimes the person who tells you they are your best friend.. dont always mean it.. and tonight she proved it. even though its been like a week and im just now finding out. thats just spiffy. if i would have died saturday night.. she would be left with alot of guilt. i dont know what to say.

i know i shouldnt be as mad as i am. but why would she do that. then why would she come to me crying because he left her. i guess it just doesnt make sense to me. yeah i wasnt with him.. but it still hurts. especially when she lies to me about it.

oh well.

i love cathy marie wilson. and hannah scarred head loooney. and maybe even uncle timmy. :) hah that was a blast. i love you both. and the gummi dinosaurs. even though the little boy threw a bf.